'frobacks!

Studying for finals is boring. I mean, damn! How many A's does one broad really need? (...whomp whomp). All this studying has me reminiscing about the summer of '94, circa back in the day, when the only studying I participated in revolved around my personal investigation into Marlena's puzzling demonic possession on Days of Our Lives (seriously...the fuck?) and my studious memorization of BET's Top 25 Countdown.

Aside from creating a makeshift sanitarium in our living room to deflect the murderous intentions of a newly acquired feral feline friend, it was also the first summer Big Jer and I familiarized ourselves with cable TV, though we still enjoyed tuning in to the local broadcast stations now and again to witness fools destroy the art of Plinko. Come to think of it, truer nuggets of gold have never been spoken when Bob thoughtfully reminded the viewers at home to help control the pet population by shanking balls and yanking walls. Alakazzam!

Basically, what I'm trying to say is this: In order to fully appreciate the following mixtape, you're gonna wanna mix up a big batch of red Kool-Aid & claim dibs on those packets of cured ham you know you've been stashing away in the margarine bin for a stoney afternoon (you know you have). Then, just like Xscape suggested, kick off your shoes & relax your feets to this captivating collection of bumpin' throwback jamz. And remember kids, the line between "throwback" and "jam" is so fine even Whitney wouldn't snort it (oh really?) so use caution when attempting to recapture your sunny youth with this formula at home, because probably not all of these songs are even from '94 (eat me).

the throwback mixture!

(alternately known as the "clearly i have too much time on my hands" mix)

Ill Na Na - Foxy Brown & Method Man

Right Here - SWV

Ask of You - Raphael Saadiq

Thuggish Ruggish Bone - Bone Thugs 'N Tasha

Who Can I Run To - Xscape

Bag Lady - Erykah Badu

Around the Way Girl - LL Cool J

Love You Down - INOJ

Paper Thin - MC Lyte

One Time 4 Your Mind - Nas

Spydermann - Another Badd Creation

Poison - Bel Biv DeVoe

The City is Mine - Jay-Z

You Used to Love Me - Faith Evans

Baby-Baby-Baby - TLC

Sexy Noises Turn Me On - Salt-N-Pepa

Can't You See - Notorious B.I.G. & Total

This Lil' Game We Play - Subway & 702

Sweet Thing - Mary J. Blige

Flava In Ya Ear - Craig Mack

At Your Best You Are Love - Aaliyah

Push play L O U D !!!

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

dimebags, dames & dives

Every once in a full blue moon I feel the overwhelming urge to abandon the sulky catacombs of my homebody existence and go out for a prowl on the town, fashioning myself up like a renegade Jezebel. The intoxicating promise of liquid provisions and unwashed meathooks pawing my person is not my true incentive for straying from home. Believe me. Copping a squat on a wobbly piss-soaked and duct-taped stool while the thuggish growl of a lead-bellied bluesman vibrates off the jukebox is more up my alley.

If I were loitering at a krusty dive with a jukebox and a pocket full of spare change...

Lots of spare change...

These dingy dirges would pretty much be right on the money, honey.

Submerge yourself in the swampy sounds and get ready to feel woozy with love.

Time To Get Tough - The Aggrolites

100 Yard Dash - Raphael Saadiq

Midnight Blues - Detroit Cobras

Is It You? - Vic Ruggiero & Lisa

Got To Give It Up - The Dirtbombs

You're Wondering Now - Amy Winehouse

Where Eagles Dare - The Misfits

A Little Bit of Arson - Matson Jones

Four Kicks - Kings of Leon

If Love Is a Red Dress (Hang Me In Rags) - Maria McKee

Pure Dirt - Dragbeat

Boogie Chillun - The Gories

Hand Springs - The White Stripes

Uptown Top Ranking - Althea & Donna

Gentleman Junkie - White Zombie

Anti-Love Song - Betty Davis

It Happens All the Time - Wanda Jackson

It Was You (Outtake) - Aretha Franklin

Need U Bad - Jazmine Sullivan

Dance Hall Music - Murder City Devils

Dollar In My Pocket - The Come Ons

I Can't Stop Thinking About It - The Dirtbombs

Corpus Christi - Miss Derringer

23rd & 2nd Avenue - Vic Ruggiero

Too Hot - The Specials

Wreckless Love - Alicia Keys

You Can't Turn Me Away - Sylvia Stipplen

1-900-Grustlin'

I am one of those chicks that apparently lacks the ability to make a long-term commitment to a 9-5 grind. I have made some creative career choices over the years and my multiple personality-suffering résumé belabors this point. I've been collecting paychecks since I was sixteen, and now some ten years later, I can cross off cocktail waitress, cubicle queen, kid wrangler, motel cleaning goddess, retail guru, phlebotomy vamp, porn peddler, dildo expert, librarian and data entry diva, not to mention myriad placements in temp-job hell, off my list of gigs worthy of pursuing (and hopefully not revisiting). That being said, one hustle that has always appealed to me is that of Phone Sex Artist, à la Judy in Spike Lee's Girl 6. Imagine if retro telephones in shades of periwinkle and Pepto-pink truly did rain from the sky and Naomi Campbell actually had the decency to take over your heavy breathing while you smoked a joint in the ladies room. Working from home would take on a whole new meaning as you simply yawn smutty clichés to sex-starved hucksters whilst fanning stacks of bills over your freshly polished fingernails as episodes of Dynasty play out on your newly acquired flat-screen TV. I suppose I always have had an irresistible attraction to smutty romantic dramedies that glamorize the sex trade industry. Who do I have to call to get hired already?

Here's a sleazy assortment of phone sex jams to inspire lusty language:

Love Thirst - Jean Grae

Naughty Girl - Beyoncé

Lovely Lady - Kool Keith

Black Shampoo - Wu Tang Clan

Money Make Me Come - Rick Ross & EbonyLove

I Will Take That Ride - Betty Davis

Darling Nikki - Prince

AA XXX - Peaches

Video Phone - Beyoncé

Nasty Girl - Vanity 6

Hot Spot - Foxy Brown

Pussy, Money, Weed - Lil Wayne

Sex Shooter - Vanity 6

Tennessee Slim Is The Bomb - Joi

Hello Operator - White Stripes

On The Hotline - Pretty Ricky

High Price - Ciara

Strangers - Portishead

Caress Me Down - Sublime

Splash Waterfalls - Luda!

Discipline - Miss Janet if u nasty

Erotic - Keyshia Cole

Hardly Wait - PJ Harvey

"Uh huh... 36DDD... Of course I'm rubbing them..."