Some people curiously collect tiny spoons, salt & pepper shakers, dishes, dolls, depression & dust. As far as I can recall, I have never really been an avid collector of anything. However, upon examining my possessions after a recent foray into what I like to call Adventures in Spring Gleaming (not really), it has become apparent that I actually do tend to a garden of crummy collections:
Hair Bows
If you ever see me up at the Wag mulling over the many hair strand intermixing devices that exist in aisle 6, promise me you'll make it your priority to slap me silly and call me Jackie Shawn. It appears I have enough elastic bands, barrettes and bobby pins to adorn even Crystal Gayle's glorious waterfall of tresses, and you know that lovely lady's locks can really rock a ponytail or twelve, o-kay.
Tabloids
In an attempt to go all green like the other kids and excel at my lifelong dream of being a curmudgeonly penny pincher, I've decided that I'm just going to have to make due with reading my collection of last year's gossip rags and pretend the juice is still legit. And guess what? It will be. If I told you Angelina was expecting a new handbag a new baby and Jennifer Love Handles still likes hamburgers (no judgement) you'd probably believe me.
Incense
I have scientifically calculated that the number of incense sticks a woman burns is positively correlated with the number of cigarettes she chain smokes. Since I have given up that ghoulish habit (90 days and counting) I no longer need my hefty supply of heady wands and cosmic cones to cancel out any lingering carcinogenic cancer funk. Now I can actually put my sticks to good use as mini makeshift timers. One wand is equal to approximately 25 minutes, the amount of time necessary to relax poolside and achieve that luminous UVB-induced summer glow I've had my eye on.
Ding!
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